Remembering the Red Men

Just a short post today. I don't have a lot of time, just wanna update you on the Saidaiji Naked Man Festival (Hadaka Matsuri).

To put it shortly, the festival was amazing. If you come to Japan and are here while it is going on, you MUST see it. There's nothing like it anywhere. At least, not that I know of.

It was admittedly pretty chilly outside, as it was nighttime in the middle of February. Given, though, that there were 4000 men wearing nothing but a loincloth (fundoushi), a pair of socks, and the skin they were born with, I decided not to comment on the weather. Hidden beneath four layers of fleece and windproof jackets, I really was in no position to complain.

Then I saw what they had to go through. While preparing to make the run into the temple, the men joined arms and had to run through a series of locations where shop owners, passersby, and firemen threw ice cold water at them. In a show of manliness, though, they simply turned that freezing water into steam as soon as it touched them. Alternatively, it may have been a show of drunkenness and simple body heat, but my bet is on manliness.

Finally, after charging through an ice cold pool that (I suppose) is meant to purify you before you enter the temple, the thousands of men converged. The result was a fleshy mound of butts, hands, and fundoushi. For the better part of an hour, they swayed along the stone temple steps, sometimes falling down the aforementioned steps in horrendously painful-looking avalanches. At one point early on, the police were needed and somehow, using what looked to me like Roman centurion tactics, forced their way into the center of the throng to retrieve a man. From what I've been told, he was either a trouble-maker or an casualty of the unrestrained masculine forces surrounding him. He looked like he could barely move as they pulled him out, so I'm guessing it was the latter of the two options.

Eventually, once the holy sticks had been retrieved and liberated from the killing grounds, they red men trickled away. That was the sign for us to begin our true drinking. Much of the remaining night is now a black haze for me. I know there were at least two bars and karaoke was involved. I also know that nihonshu is now my nemesis. Alternatively, it may be my kryptonite. A nemesis can be defeated, but I don't think this is a battle I could ever win.

At any rate, I trust the night was a good one. Best of all, more goodness is yet to come. Such is life in Japan.

~Jeffles

It's that time of the year again...

Happy Valentine's Day! And, for those of you who didn't know, Happy Birthday to me!

Yup, that's right. Good ol' Jeffles has aged yet again. He just can't stop! He's like a rabid badger on fire, running for a shiny, silver river! Not a damn thing could slow HIM down!

Sorry, I went a bit overboard there. I can't help it, birthdays always make me want to be silly like that. Actually, every day makes me want to be silly like that. Birthdays are just another day. Hrm.

Anyway, yes, I was born on Valentine's Day. That usually gets one of two replies, which tends to be divided along gender lines. From girls: "Aw! That's so cute!" From guys: "Huh." This is often followed up by a declaration that I'm incredibly lucky and that the girls must looooove me. Well, let me tell you! They most certainly do!

Wait, no, that's not what I meant to say. I meant to say that a Valentine's Day birthday actually kinda sucks because, on my birthday, all my friends are either with their girl/boyfriends or thinking about the boy/girl they wish they were with.

When I was a little kid, probably in Kindergarten, I discovered for the first time how poorly timed my birthday was. Valentine's Day rolled around, just like it does every year, and I trudged through the February snow to my school, just like I did every day. (In fact, I was probably driven there and had barely even touched my feet to the ground before I was inside the school.) Then, a wondrous thing happened. People started giving me cards. I did as my mother had told me I should do and gave back some cards. They were, as best I could figure it, thank you cards for all the cards that THEY had just given ME.

The day ended and I ran home (again, I was probably driven, but let's pretend I ran). When my mother finally came back from work, I proudly showed off all the many birthday cards I had received. It was clear as could be: my classmates loved me and praised my very birth like it was a holiday.

Barely restraining her laughter, my cruel mother then informed me that I was slightly misguided. Those were not Birthday cards in my hands, they were bloody Valentine's Day cards.

Ever since then, I must confess I've held a little grudge against the day of my birth. It's like the world saw me coming and thought "Nah, this guy's just too awesome. He's gonna have to be born on a day that can steal some of his glory or else none of the rest of us are gonna have a chance!"

Well fuck you, world. You can't bring me down!

This is why I, in fact, rarely celebrate my birthday on the actual day itself. Usually I designate the nearest weekend as party-time. Then, on my actual birthday, I tend to sit at home with a beer and be antisocial. This year, my beer of choice was Asahi and my antisocial activity of choice was watching Annie Hall. Pretty good movie. Not great, in my opinion, but pretty good.

This year I have two celebrations. Sort of. The first one was last night (the day after my birthday, a.k.a. February 15th). An influential townswoman who is very kind to us ALTs here in town took a few of us out for dinner. A few days beforehand, another ALT here in town informed her that I had be unsuccessful in acquiring the fabled Kobe beef during my recent trip to Kobe. So, wise woman that she is, the townswoman took us to a yakiniku place which, in her words, had even better beef than Kobe!

Well, I can't quite say if that's true or not since I've never eaten Kobe beef. But I can say that this was, without a doubt, the most delicious beef I have ever tasted in my life. I can hardly even comprehend the idea that more delicious beef might actually exist. Look, I even wrote a haiku about it.

This thick red wagyu

ravishes me to my depths...

joy unrelenting.

Sure, it's not a haiku in the truest sense - while beef is a natural product, the poem isn't exactly about nature - but I think you'll forgive me and enjoy the sentiment. Normally, I prefer my steak to be cooked about medium. Too much blood at it turns me off a bit; I want to feel like a civilized human eating a civilized meal, not a stranded castaway who couldn't cook his meat because the rain had prevented him from building a fire. But this beef... my god. Cooking it beyond rare would be a fucking tragedy. This is how good it tasted: if I died today, I would be satisfied knowing that I had eaten of the finest foods that mankind could even conceive of creating.

But enough about that. My second celebration is going to be this weekend, at the Saidaiji Naked Man Festival, also known as the Hadaka Matsuri. It promises to be a riotous good time and a sizable group of us have rented out an izakaya in the city for an after party. And to those who are wondering: No, I am not participating in the festival. It's not because I don't want to, but rather because temple rules disallow anyone with a tattoo from participating. :(

Anyway, I will have a good time regardless. It will be cold, but fun. I doubt it not.

Next week, I'll let you know how it all went.

~Jeffles

A Night in an "Internet Cafe"

Last weekend I went to Kobe. That was kinda interesting. I saw a Chinatown for the first time since coming to Japan, walked by a weird fountain of dead babies clutching a pumpkin, and purchased an extremely fashionable bow-tie. But I kept thinking how much more awesome it would have been if it was warmer out. So when it's warmer, I'm gonna head back again and give it another try.

And then there was the whole lack of finding a place to sleep thing.

After a full day of wandering about from spot to spot, the six of us settled in for some food and beverage consumption. As per normal, this then progressed to a second bar. And from the second bar, we then went on to karaoke and two hours of all-you-can-drink, all-you-can-sing awesomeness. Before we knew it, it was 3 AM, we were all drunk (for the most part), and we were all exhausted. So we hopped on over to the nearby manga cafe, as planned, and set about reserving a spot for the night.

Oh. Hm. Maybe I need to explain something. Japan, just like most countries, has internet cafes. But they do them a little different here. In most countries, an internet cafe is just a bunch of desks with computers and chairs and you pay something like $1 or $2 for half an hour. Sometimes you get fancy internet cafes that cater to gamers who need a place to be their hardcore selves. In places like that, the lighting might be a bit different; they might have sodas for sale; the computers are top notch gaming beasts; and, of course, you can become a member and pay special member rates.

In Japan, that would be considered a half-hearted internet cafe. At most internet cafes here, there are multiple levels of computer environment that you can reserve. The most basic of environments in which you can rent a computer for a time is the standard that I just described above for specialty gamer cafes. From there, it only goes up. At most levels up from there, you essentially rent a small, enclosed booth in which you can do whatever you want. And yes, people really do whatever they want. When I went to Kyoto, I stayed in the massage booth. The massage booths were slightly larger than normal booths, situated in a private, dimmed area, had blazing fast computers, and most notably, were equipped with obscenely comfortable, leather massage chairs. My friend and I rented ours for five hours, went to sleep, and woke up ready to face the day.

But there's more. In Japan, they're not called "internet cafes." They're called "manga cafes." That's because, on top of the computer cubicles, they also have rows upon rows of manga (Japanese comics). They also usually have unlimited free beverages, hot meals you can buy from vending machines, showers, and sometimes a spa room. In Japan, an internet cafe is not just an internet cafe, it's a fucking luxury retreat.

So this is what we thought we were getting in Kobe. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. The place had been completely booked up, except for three rooms, which we let the three girls take. Then us remaining three guys wandered about the city, searching for a place to rest our heads. The first stop was a capsule hotel, but they were completely full, too. Then we found another internet cafe, but they were totally full, too. Then we found yet another internet cafe. THEY were full, TOO! Except, wait! No, they did have a spot for us, if we didn't mind it...

"What is it? What is it?" We were pretty much desperate by this point.

It was... the basic option. The one that's just a long table with a bunch of computers and some chairs. Basic as it comes.

Fuck it. There wasn't anywhere else to go. Or, at least, we couldn't push ourselves to keep looking. So instead of a snazzy, cool place that you can't find anywhere else in the world, we actually slept in an internet cafe.

We put in our two hours, then got up and grabbed the first train back to Okayama.

And here I am. Been here ever since. Just whiling the time away until I've got someplace else to go to. I was going to go to Naoshima Island next weekend, but I just can't be bothered. Too cold and trying to figure out how to get there and back in time is too much of a pain. So I think I'm just gonna hang around town, study some Mandarin, maybe some economics. When it's warm again, that's when I think I'll start getting out and about.

I should be honest, it's not that cold. Even compared to Toronto, probably one of the warmest places in Canada, it's not that cold. The temperature hasn't gone below -8 Celsius, as far as I can remember, and even then it was night time. There's just something about Japan that makes it feel so much colder...

This time last year, I was getting ready for my JET interview. I remember that. I had just bought a new suit and was trying to figure out how to get to the interview without getting salt stains all over my suit from the snow drifts. Eventually I just tucked my pant legs into my boots and hoped for the best. I never have to worry about that kind of cold here. I haven't even had a moment where I thought "I need boots." It snows occasionally, but it certainly never sticks to the ground.

I guess I'm just a winter wimp. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

~Jeffles

P.S. My suit was fine. It survived the snowy encounter with nary a salt stain to be seen.

The End of the Death Machine

Huzzah! I have survived the flu! I am victorious!

And while most people realized I was sick, they didn't realize I had the flu. After all, if I had had the flu, I obviously would have been wearing a mask, right? Well, no. Because those masks are worthless by the time you realize you have the flu. I explained this to those who asked, but I don't think my explanation was really accepted. The reaction seems to have been more of a "stupid gaijin is going to make us sick, but we don't really want to insult him, so let's just nod our heads."

Well, whatever. I didn't make any of them sick, so they can... go be not sick. Yeah! *Makes GRR face*

In other news, we recently had a meeting in which I was forced to finally inform the people here that I am not renewing my contract. That's right, Jeffles will no longer be in Japan in six months. :(

But it's the right choice. I've discovered since coming here that, (un)surprisingly, teaching isn't really my thing. I never really thought it would be, but I had to try. After all, if there's one thing I know, it's the English language.

I have, however, since discovered what I think I would like to do for a living. It's hard to say that I'll still want to do it ten or twenty years from now, but it certainly seems to be a job that fulfills all the things I want to do. What is it exactly? It's the US Foreign Service!

Now, now, I can hear what you're thinking. "But Jeffles! You're not even American! And since when did you care about politics?"

Well, to answer the first point, you forgot a key word. I'm not American yet. I do have a Green Card, ya know. And I have sort of been living in the US for nearly 17 years, so I practically am American. I just have to spend a couple more years in the US, then write the citizenship exam and BAM! Problem solved.

And to the second point... I do care! I care a great deal! I just tend not to actually say anything for a variety of reasons. First, I don't want to accidentally piss someone off. Second, I've always been slightly paranoid that people are watching me and waiting for any sign of dissent in order to deport me. O.O And third, the only people who actually ask my opinion tend to be asking my opinion on stuff that they've looked into extensively and I haven't. Like the status of the current debate on the validity of the thirteenth amendment. (I just made that up. I don't know if there is such a debate or what the thirteenth amendment is... though I will certainly find out.)

(Huh. Maybe I should have chosen a different amendment. Apparently the thirteenth amendment is pretty much uncontroversial. Way to go, Jeffles, implying that the abolition of slavery is controversial. >_<)

So yeah, Foreign Service. I think it would be pretty cool. Travel the world, be a diplomat, be a PR agent for the United States, learn languages... cool stuff. Speaking of which, I've started learning Mandarin Chinese. So... if you wanna help me out with that, please let me know.

I can hear you. You did another double-take, didn't you? Yes, I'm living in Japan and studying Mandarin Chinese while trying to function in Japanese. Don't be confused, it's exactly what it sounds like.

Why not Japanese? Well, you apparently don't get a lot of points on the Foreign Service Exam for speaking Japanese. And if the Foreign Service thing doesn't work out, Mandarin Chinese is going to be pretty damn useful for me anyway. So it just seems like a smart thing to do on the whole.

In fact, Mandarin Chinese is not the only thing I'm studying. I'm going to have to probably get a Master's degree in something if I want to be competitive for the Foreign Service, so I'm doing a little self education to fill in a few gaps before beginning the applications. Mandarin Chinese, US History, US Civics, and Finance and Economics. Got a timetable and everything.

If anyone knows things about the above topics, please get in contact with me. I'm currently using Wikipedia, FSI, and Khan Academy to inform myself about the above stuff, but the reality is that I'm just pleading with the internet to inform me. If you or someone you know actually is informed about this stuff and can point me in a helpful (introductory) direction, please let me know!

Oh yeah, I have a working electric heater now. No more propane death machine for me. Life is good. Damn good. :D

Cheers,

~Jeffles